I am EEEVVVVIIIL....

What are you afraid of?

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 03:43:29 GMT

A friend of mine asked me what am I afraid of.

I'm afraid of not being remembered.
I'm afraid of dying and no-one caring.
I am afraid I'm going to end up doing nothing worth-while in my life. I'm afraid I'm simply going to be the everyday average stuck in a dead end job girl. I'm afraid that I'll end up being NOTHING. I'm afraid of the fact that I've done nothing in my life worth remembering. I'm afraid that if I bend my ideals, that I'll lose who I am. I'm afraid that if I keep giving in, keep trying to make all of them happy, there'll be nothing left of me.
I'm afraid I'll end up being nothing worth-while, and that all my ideals, all of everything that makes me, me, is worth nothing.
I'm afraid of dying without a fight, old and alone and unremembered. I'd rather die quickly... painfully, so I no at least once, I was alive.

::Snort::

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 22:25:55 GMT

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Look ma! No hands!"

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Tagged? What sort of person would do this to poor little me?! ;)

Tue, 22 May 2007 14:51:44 GMT

All right ladies and gents, here are the rules:

# Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

# People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

# At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

# Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I listen to music constantly; when I'm at work, when I'm at home, when I'm sleeping. I always have some sort of noise around me.

2. Whenever there's a tv on, I automatically zone in on it... I don't mean to, and I randomly miss conversations simply because I don't hear them. >_>()

3. People always come to me with their problems... and I don't know why. I'm more of a basket case then most of them.

4. All my friends up at school... think everything's fine with me, because I don't let them see... me. I don't do laundry in public, as the saying goes... but when did my friends become public? I don't know.

5. I miss talking with my friends... but I never feel I have the right to call them. I feel like I'm intruding in their lives.

6. I absolutely adore filk, it's become an obsession.

7. I'm horrible with people, as in customer service. I'd rather strangle them than deal with them.

8. I'd rather curl up with a good book then watch tv or movies, any day.

Person who hasn't been tagged (that I'm aware of:)
Crystal

And... everybody else has, so, that's it. :-P

Phone Numbers!

Sat, 19 May 2007 14:28:36 GMT

So, since I just had my phone replaced via insurance.... would ya'll mind tossing me your phone numbers again? Thanks guys!

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 06:37:00 GMT

(Backdate, April 2nd)

He left. That morning, I said my usual goodbye 'love ya. Se ya tonight?' he said ya. I went to school, then work; I had no idea. Sally comes rushing into work, tells Shannon (bartender chick) that there's a house emergency. I walk out, start talking to her... and honestly, I thought she was lying... playing a prank. I called Red, got no answer. Called Katie and then Ron, started to panic. Then had no idea that he'd gone, either. Stepped back out to the front of the house from the box room and looked up at Marc, asked to have ten minutes to go home and he just... had such sad eyes. "It won't change anything. Come on, step outside with me." I did, my control almost gone at this point. I said I needed to go home. He just shook his head. "It won't change anything. He stone fucking left you, babygirl. Going home won't change that. He's gone." and I remember mumbling 'he can't, he just... can't.' "He is. And if he did this... then he's not worth it. I know it hurts." I leaned back against the failing, hands shaking, heart in my throat. '... I just...' "Come here. Sit." He had me sit next to him on the wooden bench. "He just... isn't the one, Beth." '... I thought that he was, truly... Gods...' and the tears started. Scalding tears sliding down my face and he pulls me into his arms, my words broken by sobs, 'I just... I want to knwo why.' "You'll never know why... not truly. There's no answer." And I just kept crying, so terribly hurt. I stood finally and so did Marc, his hand on my shoulder. "Take a walk around the block and then come back in." He squeezes my arm before going back inside. I took a hard breath, wiping my eyes before going back in myself. I finished my clean, made one pizza... scrubbed the boards down, swept and mopped... Robbie had left at 11:30p. Stepped out to the bar after that, sat next to Sally. Had a malt... didnt' give into the temptation of anything hard. Went to the gas station, bought cigarettes. Told Sally I had to go home. She frowned at me. "I think I should get you drunk or high before you see it." I shook my head. 'Take me home.' She did. I step into the house, heart in my throat, stomach full of lead. Turned the light on, shorted out three bulbs... Saw his desk wasn't there, bit my lip so hard it bled. Walked down the stairs and looked about our... my room. All his books were gone... clothes too. Slam the dresser drawer, sink to my knees, forehead resting on the bed, sobbing harshly, barely able to breathe. Beat my fists on the mattress. STAYED there I don't know how long I stayed like that. Stood, pulled my phone from my pocket. Dialed his number from memory... 412-260-6916... Pedo's wet dream, that number. I called him, rage so naked on my face. Yelled, screamed, screamed that he should've been a fucking man, and told me that he was going. Should've been more than a little boy that runs. Hung up the phone. Can't stop the tears. Packed up a bag called Ron... asked if I could come over. Called Mack back. He'd called at work, Katie had called him to get him to calm me down. Told him Red had just... gone. Got off the phone, he asked me to be careful... I laughed, voice breaking. "I don't much feel like careful. Bye, Mack." hung up. Went upstairs, told Sally to take me to the dorms. Called Red a second time, so hurt... not anger this time. Told him that he should've talked to me. We had such... plans. That you don't just leave. Next to the dorms, saw Ryan... He's living with Ron now. Curled up against Ron, Katie's arms wrapped around me, crying my eyes out. Went to bed on Ron's couch. Woke up, thought it was an alarm on my phone. Looked at it, eyes blurry. Missed call. Saw that it was Red, called him back. He said that he just... didn't know how to talk to me. Couldn't have said he was leaving. Ended the call... So much dead air. Watched a movie... didn't enjoy it. Started crying for no reason, it hurts. Went to school at noon. Tried to eat... didn't manage, threw it out. Went home. Cried on the bus. Talked to Ethan, he handed me money from Red for rent. Ran downstairs screaming, crying and screaming. Punched my door, put a dent in it. Screamed and screamed, so angry. Calmed down (sort of) apologized to Ethan... ranted that I am NOT a charity case. So fucking angry. Watched Swat Cats, 3 or 4 eps. Curled up on the couch, cried myself out and then slept. Called Dad, said I just "cannot comprehend leaving without a word." I can't understand... why he didn't let me say goodbye. Didn't let me know he was going. Didn't let me kiss him one last time. Piddled, started to try to sleep 11:30 at night. Andrew (shining guy) called me. Talked with him for two hours, finally collapsed into sleep. Woke up at six thirty. Slept in everything but my chef coat; wishing he had done this before I started school. Wishing I could run home, as he did. But... I cannot. I have school, have a job. He quit both of his and ran. I can't do that. Sitting in class, writing this, I cannot concentrate... But I'll do this... I have to. Have to make something of myself... I just dont' see how I'm going to do this... I miss him. I loved him... Still do, so much. Can't hate him... Even though I want to, need. to. I just... He hurt me. I feel like a kicked dog. Feel like I've had my heart ripped out... and he doesn't care about me, hasn't for months. I just... want to know what I did wrong. ... Can't sleep in our bed, haven't slept alone for a year and a half... Slept on the couch like a fucking dog.

Fucking bastard.
I hate you.
Shithead.
Coward.
I hate you but
...I love you and I HATE it. You are NOT worth
doing this to myself
I hope you regret this one day.
My happily ever after walked out the
door and left me behind. Alone. Unwanted.
He doesn't care.
There's nothing there
He's gone away
but I'll be here another day.

Lost in sorrow
Can't be gone tomorrow
Stuck in this place
Lost all face.

ALONE.

... ::squeek::

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 03:06:38 GMT

Who is your Harry Potter love match? (for girls)

Tom RiddleMy, my. Talk about the bad boys. You want an intellectual match, and someone who will shake the world (and you!). Surrender to your inner darkness, and one thing is for certain: it won't be boring.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 02:55:20 GMT

I swear to god that I will never get drunk again in my life. ::cradles head in hands:: Somebody shoot me. Put me out of my misery. Nyah... karma hates me.... bad beth, no cookie.

(sorry if I screwed with anybody last night)

.........

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 23:52:38 GMT

......... I don't know what else to say. I'm engaged.

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 23:29:41 GMT

Well,
let's see how long this pos internet lasts, this time, shall we?

So... tired...

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 01:11:27 GMT

I am sick and tired of people who pretend to be your friends, people who pretend to care when they don't give a rat's ass abgout you.
I'm sick of people who say 'they want to stay friends with you' even after you break up and theyn they're overwhelmed when you send a couple of pictures over an IM to keep them a part of your life. To make them feel included. To, you know, stay close to them so they know what's going on in your life.
Because, you know, that's what FRIENDS do. They stay in touch. THey laugh together, they cry together. They share each others lives, they joys, the sorrows, the good and the bad, not because they have to, but because they CAN. Whether they meant it that way or not, it came off like they don't want to be friends, or stay in touch, or anything.

I'm sick of calling people and NEVER getting a call back. Not even GABRIELLE is talking to me and I've known her the longest of all my friends back home. I feel like a fucking social pariah with everyone in Ohio.

And That doesn't even START with the poeple up here at school.
I'm SICK of all the infighting and the petty sniping and just ALL of it. I'm sick of being what seems like the only person who TRIES around here. Who tries to stay in contact with friends. THe only one who tries to stop the shit from hitting the fan. I'm tired of being in the middle when I'm not a part of the shit in the first place!
And I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one who even fucking cares that we're pulling each other apart at the seams.
I love this place but I hate the people. I hate being alone. I hate being alone, feeling alone in a crowded room.
I have roommates, 'friends', parents or at least a parent who I know loves me... but even after all that, I'm still alone. Nobody understands... me. The real person that I am. NOBODY.
I am the woman who is alone in a crowded room, alone in the world. I always have been, and I suppose, I always will be. And I'm just... so tired of it.

But most of all... I'm sick... of hurting and having nobody else notice. Or care, if they do notice. Or even care, at all. I'm starting to wonder... if I cried, would they even notices? If I died, think they'd notice then?

Somehow, I doubt it.

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 00:51:39 GMT

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.

She cried a single tear and shed a single

drop of blood upon the earth where she buried

it. From her blood and tear, the acorn grew

into the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),

Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of

creation, the number 1, and the element of

earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic

individual and people are drawn to you.

Although sometimes you may seem emotionally

distant, you are deeply in tune with other

people's feelings and have tremendous

empathy. Sometimes you have a tendency to

neglect your own self. Goddesses are the

best friends to have because they're always

willing to help.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 18:04:32 GMT

::sigh::

Life...

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 21:27:07 GMT

Well, on the subject of life, I quite frankly, think is sucks. I broke off my friendship with Ricci a while ago, she was dragging me down and doing nothing but draining my bank account while I was up at school and using me... and it hurt, but it needed to be done, truly it did. I didn't expect it to... hurt as it did, truthfully. She was just a friend, I don't know why it feels like I've gotten rid of part of my family.

Brea and Ian broke up today, and my heart breaks for the two of them. I love 'em both dearly, and I want them both to be happy. Again, I understand why it had to be done, they couldn't concentrait on their studes, which is unacceptable under the circumstances... but it still... it just sucks, all around.

On other and unrelated notes, it seems I've made a new friend. Red's a sweetheart, so something's good come from this weekend. ::sighs:: Gods, times like these... I just wanna stick my head in the sand and pretend that nothing exists.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 02:30:05 GMT

My aunt died today of an overdose. There's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make things... any different.

My Uncle's a mess, he lost his wife, after all. The second one he's lost, in fact. They celebrated their one year anniversary not too long ago and they were so happy and it's horrible to think about. That they could be so happy and that it can just be gone that quick. I'm sorry that she's gone, but right now, I don't even feel anything. I'm just numb. I can't cry, I can't DO anything and I HATE it!

My aunt's DEAD and there's nothing I can do, I'm just powerless. I hate being powerless, helpless, I HATE IT, I FUCKING HATE IT!

We're mortal and with the senselessness of our deaths, I wonder; do we die... do our loved ones die... just because we manage to be happy? To just have a little bit of happiness and peace and whoeverthefuck decides 'ah, no, of course we can't let them be happy!' Well, FUCK you, all of you!

Humanity: the biggest case of vermin this fucking planet has ever seen not worth the air we breathe

Sat, 01 Oct 2005 07:31:11 GMT

You know, the gall of some people. My ex-roommate's mother is in the hospital, we have no idea WHY she's in the hospital and her mother's friend left me a message on my phone a couple of days ago to let me know to tell said ex-roommate that her mother couldn't pick her up (I just got it today). The first thing this girl says is 'DAMMIT!', and the next is 'she's never going to get her life together, it's never going to happen.' What it basically amounts to in this whiny tone is 'poor me, poor little princess, whom my mother dotes upon, I have to walk and I don't care that my MOTHER's In the hospital, I just care that my fat ass has to walk' AND on top of it, the ENTIRE walk is about ten minutes longer then the NORMAL walk to the dorm! I don't believe how selfish some people can be!

Just as well

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 06:45:04 GMT

It's just as well, I suppose. I've decided. I'm finished. Nothing but a fucking quitter. Ain't life just fucking grand?!
The easiest way to sum up my life...
An utter fuck up, a quitter, and a fucking loser. ::laughs softly::
Somebody congratulate me! Hile, Lady-sai.

happy! Aunt Betty and Uncle Harry are here!!

Fri, 13 May 2005 23:09:34 GMT

Whee, Aunt Betty and Uncle Harry are here, it's really nice, I haven't seen them in a long time. :) Dad and I mowed the lawn today, had a good time, I was listening to Flogging Molly the whole time. Devil's Dance Floor is the best thing ever! And Selfish Man is good too. I wonder if I'm going to get paid... I'm not sure if he'll pay me or not. Let's hope that Ricci got the message to call her mother........ I don't want to be the one that gets her ass kicked when she didn't call.

be sorted @ nimbo.net

Computer Lit Homework

Sun, 01 May 2005 21:45:16 GMT

Oh my god. I did my computer lit homework on friday... it was so boring. I did all of it... and it was boring as all hell. I still have to do my freshmen studies homework and my Mass Media homework too.... >>()()() It's due tomorrow ::squeaks.:: Oh well. I'm writing another story... Wufei's getting molested by Akito from Fruits Basket ::dies:: My mind is evil. EVIL EVIL EVIL. But it's so sexy >>;;; ::Cries::

Computer Lit Class

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 22:41:30 GMT

This is the most pointless class I have ever been in. I could teach it in my sleep. The teacher is an ASS too. I am so fucking bored. Somebody save me please. ANYBODY!

Classes

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 23:53:54 GMT

Well, I have just skipped the rest of my "Fundamentals of Media and Communications" Class... which isn't a great thing, but I did come in long enough to take my quiz so Mike can't kick my ass again like he did last quarter. I love Mike to death, really I do........ but he's a fucking quiz nazi. A quiz EVERY week, and if you fail a quiz, you fail the class. It's fucking evil. But I dearly love the man. ::sigh::
And OMG! I have Hartner for English 101....... and the man is a god. He is just the greatest thing ever. We only have four papers to write for this entire quarter!!! BWHAHAHAHA!

::coughcoughcoughcoughcoughcoughsexycoughcoughcoughcoughcoughmancoughcoughcough::

Lets see....... what else.....................
OH! In Freshman studies Ms Stabile decided to just let us go instead of keeping us for the entire time. It was great. Not only that... but my fucking roommate decided to skip class AGAIN. She's now failed that class and guess what, I'm done dealing with it. I'm not going to let her drag me down anymore. She's one of the reasons that I did so poorly last quarter. Oh, Cait, if you're still on LJ at all, gimmie a call and we'll figure out when you can come downa after you turn 18 :) Shwaae!

Baaaiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

quizy 1

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 07:29:00 GMT

Whooo boy, I'm taking quizys... now we know I'm bored.

Cl... Chlorine

You scored 49 Mass, 54 Electronegativity, 17 Metal, and 80 Radioactivity!

You are the vampire of the chemical world. You know what you want and you take it. Not only that, but you are pretty hard to get rid of. You're either found at the center of a group of drama fanatics, or mercilessly clinging to one person and demanding their complete attention. You're one of the few elements that can take something from someone and keep it after ditching them. You're the type who might make a girl fall in love with you in order to meet her sister. I make this sound all bad, but you're also pretty good at removing scum from pools.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender
:

You scored higher than 81%
on Mass

You scored higher than 95%
on Electroneg

You scored higher than 1%
on Metal

You scored higher than 98%
on Radioactivity

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid

Bored....

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 07:16:43 GMT

I am so bored. There is nothing to do in this city other then get drunk or get high. And since I'm not old enough to drink I don't get to do that often... and I don't do drugs... I'm kinda S.O.L. GAAAAAH. Somebody please tell me you know WHY a town the size of pittsburgh has absolutely nothing to fucking do?!

I'm off to visit springfield, the wonderful springfield of Ohio :-P

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 18:42:29 GMT

Weeeeeeeeel,
I'm off to Springfield for the weekend, I should be back sunday night.... Man, I wasn't expecting to go on this.... I have no internet access XP
Hehheh, I'll live. Sorry that I didn't tell ya'll sooner, I just found out about it today.
Selly, hehehe, I'll talk to you when I get back... make sure you read those stories!
Galish, hope you weekend is a good one, make sure to remember so you can tell me when I get back ^_~
Benor, we should be able to do the post when I get back....
Love you, see ya when I get back, Ashke. ::HUGS, licks.:: ^_^
(and to everybody else, have a good weekend, baiiiiii)

Fri, 20 Feb 2004 06:01:13 GMT

Thanks, Galvin... and I was wrong, that's not Zechs, that's the guy that did Treize Kushrenada... I got my names confused :-P

Hmmm, today was pretty boring, and I'm heading to dad's tomorrow, which means I'm going to have to tape Inu Yasha instead of watching it ::pouts:: evil early sleeping time.
Well, gonna head out an post, ja ne!

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 06:26:16 GMT

Weeeeeeeeeeellllll....... what I've done today....

I've posted to the new messageboard I'm on.... GO ME!
and cleaned... and cooked (MEH, the world has come to an end!!!) and by the time I got on the compy, it's like 1:30am. OOh, I finally got the chance to watch Witch Hunter Robin on cartoon network..... it's not half bad! And Inu Yasha is FINALLY back to the point where I can start watching again. And Sesshomru's (sp?) voice actor is the same guy that did Zechs on Gundam Wing.... I think! I'll have to check that out at some point... since I finally got my Gundam Wing DVDs back ::makes a face at Yin, and hides them, smirking.:: Mine I say, Mine.
Ooooooooooo my!!!!!! ::HUGE GRIN:: I found the old Highlander slash sites I used to visit. ::bounces around insanely.::
WHEEEEEE, I need more sugar ^_~