| Apr. 7th, 2007 @ 01:13 am (no subject) |
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Current Mood:  crushed
(Backdate, April 2nd)
He left. That morning, I said my usual goodbye 'love ya. Se ya tonight?' he said ya. I went to school, then work; I had no idea. Sally comes rushing into work, tells Shannon (bartender chick) that there's a house emergency. I walk out, start talking to her... and honestly, I thought she was lying... playing a prank. I called Red, got no answer. Called Katie and then Ron, started to panic. Then had no idea that he'd gone, either. Stepped back out to the front of the house from the box room and looked up at Marc, asked to have ten minutes to go home and he just... had such sad eyes. "It won't change anything. Come on, step outside with me." I did, my control almost gone at this point. I said I needed to go home. He just shook his head. "It won't change anything. He stone fucking left you, babygirl. Going home won't change that. He's gone." and I remember mumbling 'he can't, he just... can't.' "He is. And if he did this... then he's not worth it. I know it hurts." I leaned back against the failing, hands shaking, heart in my throat. '... I just...' "Come here. Sit." He had me sit next to him on the wooden bench. "He just... isn't the one, Beth." '... I thought that he was, truly... Gods...' and the tears started. Scalding tears sliding down my face and he pulls me into his arms, my words broken by sobs, 'I just... I want to knwo why.' "You'll never know why... not truly. There's no answer." And I just kept crying, so terribly hurt. I stood finally and so did Marc, his hand on my shoulder. "Take a walk around the block and then come back in." He squeezes my arm before going back inside. I took a hard breath, wiping my eyes before going back in myself. I finished my clean, made one pizza... scrubbed the boards down, swept and mopped... Robbie had left at 11:30p. Stepped out to the bar after that, sat next to Sally. Had a malt... didnt' give into the temptation of anything hard. Went to the gas station, bought cigarettes. Told Sally I had to go home. She frowned at me. "I think I should get you drunk or high before you see it." I shook my head. 'Take me home.' She did. I step into the house, heart in my throat, stomach full of lead. Turned the light on, shorted out three bulbs... Saw his desk wasn't there, bit my lip so hard it bled. Walked down the stairs and looked about our... my room. All his books were gone... clothes too. Slam the dresser drawer, sink to my knees, forehead resting on the bed, sobbing harshly, barely able to breathe. Beat my fists on the mattress. STAYED there I don't know how long I stayed like that. Stood, pulled my phone from my pocket. Dialed his number from memory... 412-260-6916... Pedo's wet dream, that number. I called him, rage so naked on my face. Yelled, screamed, screamed that he should've been a fucking man, and told me that he was going. Should've been more than a little boy that runs. Hung up the phone. Can't stop the tears. Packed up a bag called Ron... asked if I could come over. Called Mack back. He'd called at work, Katie had called him to get him to calm me down. Told him Red had just... gone. Got off the phone, he asked me to be careful... I laughed, voice breaking. "I don't much feel like careful. Bye, Mack." hung up. Went upstairs, told Sally to take me to the dorms. Called Red a second time, so hurt... not anger this time. Told him that he should've talked to me. We had such... plans. That you don't just leave. Next to the dorms, saw Ryan... He's living with Ron now. Curled up against Ron, Katie's arms wrapped around me, crying my eyes out. Went to bed on Ron's couch. Woke up, thought it was an alarm on my phone. Looked at it, eyes blurry. Missed call. Saw that it was Red, called him back. He said that he just... didn't know how to talk to me. Couldn't have said he was leaving. Ended the call... So much dead air. Watched a movie... didn't enjoy it. Started crying for no reason, it hurts. Went to school at noon. Tried to eat... didn't manage, threw it out. Went home. Cried on the bus. Talked to Ethan, he handed me money from Red for rent. Ran downstairs screaming, crying and screaming. Punched my door, put a dent in it. Screamed and screamed, so angry. Calmed down (sort of) apologized to Ethan... ranted that I am NOT a charity case. So fucking angry. Watched Swat Cats, 3 or 4 eps. Curled up on the couch, cried myself out and then slept. Called Dad, said I just "cannot comprehend leaving without a word." I can't understand... why he didn't let me say goodbye. Didn't let me know he was going. Didn't let me kiss him one last time. Piddled, started to try to sleep 11:30 at night. Andrew (shining guy) called me. Talked with him for two hours, finally collapsed into sleep. Woke up at six thirty. Slept in everything but my chef coat; wishing he had done this before I started school. Wishing I could run home, as he did. But... I cannot. I have school, have a job. He quit both of his and ran. I can't do that. Sitting in class, writing this, I cannot concentrate... But I'll do this... I have to. Have to make something of myself... I just dont' see how I'm going to do this... I miss him. I loved him... Still do, so much. Can't hate him... Even though I want to, need. to. I just... He hurt me. I feel like a kicked dog. Feel like I've had my heart ripped out... and he doesn't care about me, hasn't for months. I just... want to know what I did wrong. ... Can't sleep in our bed, haven't slept alone for a year and a half... Slept on the couch like a fucking dog.
Fucking bastard.
I hate you.
Shithead.
Coward.
I hate you but
...I love you and I HATE it. You are NOT worth
doing this to myself
I hope you regret this one day.
My happily ever after walked out the
door and left me behind. Alone. Unwanted.
He doesn't care.
There's nothing there
He's gone away
but I'll be here another day.
Lost in sorrow
Can't be gone tomorrow
Stuck in this place
Lost all face.
ALONE. |
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